CHAPTER 12: "Steel Trap Memory: Blessing or Curse?"

"The memory of the righteous is a blessing, but the name of the wicked will rot."

Proverbs 10:7

"...while the future's there for anyone to change, still you know it seems
It would be easier sometimes to change the past."

"Fountain of Sorrow" - Written & recorded by Jackson Browne

You're probably familiar with the old saying that someone with a good memory has "A memory like an elephant".  That idiom is based on the popular belief that elephants possess exceptional memories, capable of remembering things like watering holes and migration routes over long distances. If that old adage is true, then call me Dumbo. For better or worse, I have always been gifted or cursed with a very good memory. 

I can't even tell you the number of times I've been talking with family or friends and recount something from the past and they will say they had totally forgotten about the incident, or don't even recall it all. And many things I can recall in extreme detail. For instance, I can tell you where darn near every stick of furniture was positioned at my boyhood home or my Nanny and Grandpa's house  which was just around the corner from us for a number of years.  

In a previous chapter I told the story of me being able to name all the United States Presidents on order at the age of six.  I was always at the top of my class  in remembering definitions for vocabulary words. Once, when about seven years old, I went to a Burnet, Texas record shop and started talking music with the owner. Afterwards he told my Mom that I was a walking encyclopedia. 

My specialty has alway been pop culture, though I should put in a disclaimer. Now, at the age of 66, my pop culture steel trap memory is primarily relegated to the 1950s through 1980s  for television and music, with the exception of having  a very good recall of classic old movies from the advent of talkies through the 1970s. 

Here's an example. My former morning radio show partner and good friend Harley David Belew and I were both working late one evening at REV FM, when I walked into the studio and he started playing very short clips of songs for me to identify. He must have played twenty songs from the 60s through the 80s and I may have missed only one out of the songs he played.

Well we took that to live radio one morning. Coach Mark Keller, our Sports Director at REV FM, had joined us as Harley played very short clips of various songs. It's one thing to attempt this in private, quite another to do it  with a radio audience listening,  so the pressure was on as I have a lot of pride and wanted to ace this quasi "Name That Tune" moment. I hit everyone single one of them, several on just one note. Keller turns and looks at me all wide-eyed and said "You've got to be kidding!".

Now, this memory of mine, especially the pop culture stuff, has served me very well in many areas over the years, especially in my broadcasting career. I may not know a lot about many things, but I remember and know A LOT about many things ranging from sports, history, current events, etc. That likely is a byproduct of being an avid reader when I was a kid, so much so that I actually read complete encyclopedia volumes! To this day, particularly while watching television, I am constantly reading Wikipedia on various subjects. That has made it easy for me to engage almost anyone in a conversation, beyond my obvious gregarious nature.  And if you ever find yourself in Baby Boomer game of Trivial Pursuit, I am definitely the first guy you want on your team!

Another benefit of having a great memory is being able to recall precious memories of your life, often in vivid detail. Things like good times with family and friends, personal accomplishments, and things you are proud of or make you smile when something triggers those memories. A song or place perhaps.  Among the most precious for me are the memories of our boys growing up, especially Marlin III, because right now that is all I have to cling to until I see him again in the next life.

So we have covered the positive side of having a terrific memory. However, as you might expect, their is a B side to this record. A memory like mine is not usually selective on discerning between good and bad memories.  So memories that are upsetting, including hurts that may have been inflicted on me, unfortunately sometimes worm their way into the good stuff.

Now  mind you, I am one of the least vindictive people on the planet, and I am almost too easily willing to forgive, which has burned me more than a few times in my life.  But being a Christian I am called to cultivate a loving and forgiving nature, as pointed out in Ephesians 4:32, "Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you." But then, just as you are, I'm only human. And often times those memories for me are like being a Monday Morning Quarterback, wondering something may have happened, or dissecting  my mistakes and what I should or could  have done better or differently.

The most insidious  part about bad memories is that the tend to come creeping into your brain at night when you're trying to get some sleep. I've always found it difficult to shut my brain down which has lead to insomnia. I'm not quite sure if the insomnia allows thoughts and memories the opportunity to take up residence in my brain, or if those thoughts cause my insomnia!  It's a what came first, the chicken or the egg conundrum.

Good thing for me the good memories far out weigh the bad. Plus I have learned as I get older, especially having embarked on the this cancer journey, how to better deal with and put aside those things that may bother me. Now instead, I usually wake up each morning and thank God for the blessings he has bestowed on me, far greater than I could ever deserve. I treasure the simple things instead of worrying about the trivial matters. Things that maybe used to haunt me may be still there, but I am learning to bury them in the recesses of my over active brain.

Psalms 1:18 states "This is the day that the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it,"  And that is what I am learning to embrace at the break of each morning. And when you get to be in my age bracket, those memories of the past become that much more precious to you.

One of my Mama's favorite songs, that she often quotes to me in our conversations is "Precious Memories". The chorus goes like this: "Precious memories, how they linger How they ever flood my soul. In the stillness, of the midnight, Precious sacred scenes unfold".  I am very thankful and feel so very blessed to have the thousands of precious memories that ever fill MY soul. I will share some of those from my early childhood years in my next blog chapter "Meet the Cleaver Family".  Thank you for joining me on this continuing trip down my memory lane.

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Fountain of Sorrow

Looking through some photographs, I found inside a drawer
I was taken by a photograph of you
There were one or two I know that you would have liked a little more
But they didn't show your spirit quite as true

You were turning around to see who was behind you
And I took your childish laughter by surprise
And at the moment that my camera happened to find you
There was just a trace of sorrow in your eyes

Now, the things that I remember seem so distant, so small
Though it hasn't really been that long a time
What I was seeing wasn't what was happening at all
Although for a while our path did seem to climb

When you see through love's illusions, there lies the danger
And your perfect lover just looks like a perfect fool
So you go running off in search of a perfect stranger
While the loneliness seems to spring from your life
Like a fountain from a pool

Fountain of sorrow, fountain of light
You've known that hollow sound of your own steps in flight
You've had to hide sometimes, but now you're all right
And it's good to see your smiling face tonight

Now, for you and me it may not be that hard to reach our dreams
But that magic feeling never seems to last
And while the future's there for anyone to change, still you know it seems
It would be easier sometimes to change the past

I'm just one or two years and a couple of changes behind you
In my lessons at love's pain and heartache school
Where if you feel too free, and you need something to remind you
There's this loneliness springing up from your life
Like a fountain from a pool

Fountain of sorrow, fountain of light
You've known that hollow sound of your own steps in flight
You've had to hide sometimes, but now you're all right
And it's good to see your smiling face tonight

Fountain of sorrow, fountain of light
You've known that hollow sound of your own steps in flight
You've had to struggle, you've had to fight
To keep understanding and compassion in sight (ahh-ah-ah-ah)
You could be laughing at me, you've got the right (ahh-ah-ah-ah)
But you go on smiling so clear and so bright (ahh-ah-ah-ah)